At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want. -- Lao Tzu

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Letter to my body


I have been so hard on you over the years...I scarcely know what to say. How do I begin to apologize for all the abuse I've heaped on you for decades? I don't even remember a time when I didn't loathe you. Why did I loathe you? Because you weren't perfect. You were lumpy, and white, and flabby. There were times I couldn't look at you and didn't for YEARS. I ignored you, pretended you weren't there for YEARS, all the while cursing you for having to ignore you.

You know I don't hate you as much these days but you and I are still not friends. I never miss an opportunity to sling an arrow at you even though I have less to complain about nowadays. But I need to stop this. It's hurting me and I have a daughter now. She is going to be watching me, and taking her clues from me about how to treat her body. I wouldn't want her to hurt herself as I have hurt you.

I don't know how to just love you. I don't know how not to see the imperfections...I can't seem to get rid of the idea that "if I just...THEN I can be happy". We both know this is not true. I need to stop the campaign of brutality against you because it is mean and it is my secret shame. I think of myself as a good person but a good person wouldn't say the things I do to you. I would certainly wouldn't say these things to friends...even friends who are much larger than I am now. I look at my friends and see their beauty, but I look at you and I'm horrified.

I want to be comfortable naked, I want to love you, I want to use you in every way I know how. To not be afraid of you, or what people think of you. You are the greatest instrument I'll ever own and time is short. I want to dance...but until I can stop hating you, I can't do that. Poor Body, because of my issues, I continue to abuse you. I am like a battering spouse, only I won't tell you I'll never do it again because I know that's not true. I'll control myself for a while until I begin to feel stressed or angry and then I'll take it out on you.

I need to change me to be kinder to you and that needs to be a priority. I promise you now, that I will make the effort daily to see you as the most wonderful gift I have. It is you that lets me lift and hold my children. It is you that lets me comfort my pets. It is you that lets me express my love for my husband. Despite all I've said to you, you've been there for me and just toughed it out. I need to be as resiliant as you are. I need to begin today.


1 comment:

Shez said...

Great sentiments.